Anticipation

I'm listening to Carly Simon singing "Anticipation".  And that is what I have.  Anticipation for Friday, when I'll see my husband after nearly 3 weeks of separation.

Anticipation, Anticipation
Is making me late
Is keeping me waiting

I can't stand being away from him.  I am lost without him.  I love having him around.  He is the single most perfect person in my life.  What I would do without him...we don't go there. We just love the moments we have together.  I love him. 

And tomorrow we might not be together
I'm no prophet, I don't know natures way
So I'll try to see into your eyes right now
And stay right here, 'cause these are the good old days.


Daytime

This has been one of the most enjoyable days of my life.  It started out with sharing breakfast (coffee and doughnuts)  with 2 wonderful people and then having my pictures taken for a possible submission. 

Well, the submission is going to happen.  It's what happens afterwards that we don't know about.  That's when the casting office takes a look at everything and decides "Hmm, she looks interesting.  Let's meet her."

Wouldn't it be grand if it were that easy.  That simple.  Just "Come on in.  We like you".  But it isn't like that.  At least not for me.  Not yet.  Maybe in the near future people will say "Oh her, yeah.  Let's work with her".  But not yet.  However, I am holding hope to hear back from the folks in New Orleans.  Playing an "Alexis Carrington" type of character would be smashing.  And the gig in Richmond as Mary Todd Lincoln -- no slouch either.  To be Mrs Lincoln.  How could that be bad?  Oh, maybe if I have to deal with the ego of Bill O'Reilly.  If that's part of it, then this truly will be a spiritual test.  Not one of my favorite people.  Oh well.  We'll just have to wait and see.  One way to deal will be to remember that we are all made of the same clay, and that breath brought us all to be.  Keeping that in mind, maybe I'll be able to see past the stupid things he stands for, and try to just see the man.  Good thought.  Let's see if I can do it.  But -- I'd have to get the job first.

Waves

We are one.  We breathe with the Universe.   As I am, so are we all.  We are but waves in this sea of Everything.  We need to remember that.  Wow.  Would my Whopper be pleased that I'm finally getting this.  Something that he tried to teach me all those years ago and I just didn't get.  Thank you my friend for showing me the way.  This so beautiful.  Thank you, dear friend.

To New York ?

I'm going to New York on June 1st -- maybe.  It all depends on whether I hear back from any of these film/television jobs I'm going out for.  Isn't it terrible that I'm willing to stop my personal enjoyment, and that of my husband's, for something as trivial as a TV/film gig.  But that's the nature of what I do.  And my husband seems to understand. He even encourages it.  He told me "if this comes through, do it."  But I'll have to see what comes through.  Schedules can be shifted.  "Just be." 

Such an Alice Day

"The time has come," the Walrus said,
"To talk of many things:
Of shoes--and ships--and sealing-wax--
Of cabbages--and kings--
And why the sea is boiling hot--
And whether pigs have wings."

Lewis Carroll

(from Through the Looking-Glass and What Alice Found There, 1872)

If that isn't one of the best examples of 'waxing poetic'...  Sometimes we just need the time to step back, relax, and enjoy.  The days are too short to mess with things out of our control. 

I give myself very good advice, But I very seldom follow it.

Such an Alice day today.  I wonder why.  Is it because I'm waiting to hear if ANY of the castings I've gone to are going to come through?  It's as if the phone only rings to tease me.  It's hardly ever from someone I want to hear from, i.e. a job.  And it's not only for a job.  I have some requests out there too.  I know things happen in their own time, and it's usually the best time.  I just wish it would happen in my time.  "Just be", Whopper would say.  "Just be".

AAAAAH....

My day has been one of total frustation.  2 steps forward, 1 step back.  Yes, I suppose you could say I am making progress...But...

Wandering...

I am here at work looking forward to the clock ticking towards my eventual leaving.  Ah, the joy of leaving someplace that you really don't want to be.  It's not that I hate my job.  On the contrary.  This is probably the best place for me to work, given my temperament.  I really don't answer to anyone.  And I can come and go at leisure.  I have my responsibilities.  And I more than meet them.  So why do I look so forward to leaving this place ?  Because it means that I can go out and do all the crazy things I love to do.  My soul is not that of an office-dweller.  I have wander-lust.

I think that's why I never really got upset with Whopper when he would wander off.  He couldn't stay cooped up at home either.  He loved to wander.  Sometimes he'd bring home friends.  Then we'd have to find their owner.  But that was fun, too.  He always came home.  Except for the last time.

It was New Jersey and Dennis and I were in the midst of packing the house to move back to Florida.  My father had come up to help us with the move and while they were loading the moving truck with furniture, Whopper walked out.  When I came home and asked where he was, no one knew.  I waited all night for him.  He didn't come home.  We were leaving the next day and before we left, I scoured the neighborhood and made the neighbors swear they would call if they found him.  But they never called.

I truly believe that Whopper knew how sick and old he was and knew that he would never survive another move.  He'd been through all of our others.  I guess he wasn't wiling to go through another.  I believe he left...no looking back...for all of us.  Knowing that he would only get sicker and less able to take care of himself. 

I hate when anyone is noble like that.  To deny us the chance to take care of someone we love to the very end.  Whopper was my friend and companion and very much like a beloved child.  And I couldn't say good-bye. 

I think that's why I get so upset with my parents when they give me that same speech.  "We don't want to be a burden, we just want our own place, etc.".  I have to respect their wishes.  But it doesn't mean I have to like it.